Why Am I Not Good Enough?


Why Am I Not Good Enough?

It might be worth starting with understanding what ‘I’m not good enough’ actually means; you’ve not been able to satisfy or address someone else’s needs and therefore their behaviours are reflected in how they treat you, this way of interpreting other’s behaviours is what makes you believe you’re not good enough.

Having worked with this issue for years, this way of thinking can really bring you down, cause pain, hurt, vulnerability and also confusion because it seems no matter what you do, these people will still behave in a way which isn’t what you want or how you should be treated. The question you’ve addressed by saying ‘I’m not good enough’ is why they are treating me this way (negative way) that if you tried hard enough or found the ‘right’ way that the other person would stop their bad behaviours towards you.

Change in behaviours

An example of the way this places out is, you’ve got into a new relationship, he/she seems to be making an effort, he/she come across as the ideal person for you, you’re excited and happy, enjoying the time together and finally feel like you’ve met the right person for you. As time progresses, you start to see a change in their behaviours, he/she now takes their time messaging you back, snaps at you for being ‘needy’ which wasn’t an issue at the start, comes and leaves as they please, has arguments over issues they’ve created etc. You slowly start to question yourself and tell yourself you’re the one who’s got it wrong, you need to make an effort, you should be more understanding and be a better person towards them because the things they say are valid and justified. Your partner may even excuse their own behaviours, by blaming you for bringing things up, even to the degree where you feel anything you say is wrong and that they must have a point because nothing gets resolved therefore you must be doing something wrong.

Finding a logical understanding of their behaviours and blaming yourself is the only thing that actually makes sense so you accept this must be true. Now you’ve tried for months/years, to change, to be more understanding, to be more accepting of them, making more of an effort and each time you feel like you’ve failed because you’ve not been able to do anything to make him/her change how they treat you and the cycle continues. Eventually, you’ll start to wonder what’s wrong with me, why does this keep happening, why can’t I stop this – along with these thoughts, comes the pain, the tears, the anger, the confusion, the need to want this relationship to be what you know it can be because you’ve had it before. The more you question why, the more likely you’ll eventually say it’s because I’m not good enough, that’s why I get treated this way, this way of thinking makes sense because no other explanation makes sense to you.

The more you question other people’s bad behaviours and try and work out why they behave in that way or why they treat you in that way, the more you’ll blame yourself for their actions because for nice people it’s hard to comprehend being unjust or plainly just being mean to others. This type of behaviour is not something you would do, and it can be difficult to understand how someone else can behave in this way and as sad as it can be to realise this, it’s, unfortunately, the way some people do behave.

It’s not that you’re not good enough, it’s that the other people have bad behaviours, and you won’t understand why all you can really understand is that they do have bad behaviours and establish for yourself whether this is something you wish to tolerate going forward or whether you for your own sanity need to implement boundaries to protect yourself and your wellbeing.